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I believe there’s a part of my soul that is shamelessly playful and supportive. LIKE the Dark, Black Cave of the Soul, it’s selfish. UNLIKE the Black Aspect, this one is colored a soft pink and -wants- to connect with you and the world. It’s playful and supportive, but it’s also daring, devilish, and teasing. It wants only one thing:
For the soul to experience playful, authentic self-expression and connection within its human lifetime.
The name ‘Pixen’ has been on my mind a lot, so I will use that here to describe the Pink Aspect of the Soul.
She admires courage, authenticity, expression, connection, and playfulness.
She despises hiding, mediocrity, disconnection, The Invisible Jury, and inauthenticity.
Pixen acts like the perfect wingwoman to experiencing a full life and cultivating deep connections.
I started seeing this Pink Aspect as a personified figure, unlike the Dark Cave as a location. She’s taller than me with long, wavy pink hair. Almost always she dons a smile, a wink, makeup, unconventional clothing.
Karlie Kloss comes to mind, but more pink.
The first mental imagery came to me one day, doing apparently nothing memorable, but suddenly this flicker came through my mind as though a person — this pink haired woman — was suddenly before me with her finger tucked beneath my chin, giving it a gentle nudge upwards. “Chin up,” she purred.
And just as quickly, the imagery was gone.
There was a sigh of relief from that reassurance and I looked up a bit more. I stood taller, my posture was better, I walked with more peace and confidence. I was recentered.
As an Enneagram 4, it’s unsurprising that I have these kinds of ‘images’ to identify different emotions and mental thoughts. But I felt guilty for it. I felt a sense of shame. Fear for it being discovered.
The more and more I delve into #EmbraceTheWeird, the more I realize that people admire it and more importantly the more I feel a sense of getting truer to myself and finding an inner peace.
So. I imagine this supportive part of my soul as a gorgeous knock-out woman that wants nothing but the best for me – and follows me around, pinching me to go do fluffy, energetic, exciting things.
(Coincidentally, I actually met someone who was really supportive and caring/affectionate towards me even after they witnessed my #EmbraceTheWeird being expressed and explored.)
I get it.
Moving on. ;)
Over time, that pink, feminine persona kept coming back to me in the peripherals. Little prods in the side, nudges under the chin, a wink from across the room, beckoning hands. – In other times, that persona manifested in glances over the shoulder as I looked in the mirror, a shove behind me as I wandered an aisle, a heart-flutter to reach for an item, a turn of my head to look at someone across the room, a restless sensation in my hand to gently offer touch.
Pixen was both bold and teasing, but also gentle and understanding. The Pink Aspect automatically accepts and embraces all the weird things about who I am and gently (or not-so-gently) encourages me to do the bold things that feel scary.
Asking someone to dance. Wearing those shoes. Saying hello to that pretty girl. Asking someone for a hug (or giving one). Being a little silly in chat. Exploring new ideas and possible authenticities online. Sharing my ‘crazy’ visions with others. Cultivating communities. Finding inspiration in unconventional things. Speaking up about myself (about things I’ve never verbally said).
Pixen wants to play, to do fun things, to be silly, to be cute, to be flirty, to dress up, to cuddle.
But Pixen also wants to take over the world, to build a massive community, to love unconditionally, to positively impact others, to build people up, to fully experience life, to be a source of inspiration.
But more than anything, Pixen just wants to see me (you, if any of this resonates) fully embrace all that I am and to step fully into the visions that I have for myself and my world. She wants me to wrap myself in love and acceptance so that I can belay fear and anxiety – to have a positive impact on the world through my efforts and human connections.
She knows that if I can carry out the nudges of my heart as I sense it, I can change the lives of others in ways I’ve never done. And she’s going to infuse playfulness, smiles, and shenanigans into every step of the way.
This might seem excessive or overkill or unnecessary to some. Cool!
For me, it’s obviously not – it’s a part of the evolution and I am learning to look at both what feels significant AND what I feel heavy resistance to. Many of these things I explore in terms of self expression are uncomfortably triggering, signaling an opportunity to dig deep and explore the reason why.
I realize that many of my fears and discomforts around these #EmbraceTheWeird aspects of my life are associated with a fear of judgement, a guilt, a … sense of shame for being who I am.
It’s as though I have been taught, or learned through observation and experience that who I am is not okay, that the aspects of my expression are not welcome, not normal, not “okay.” No memory consciously comes to mind where I was taught that who I am is not okay, not allowed to exist, but I do think that there was conditioning through school, religion, social circles, (etc) that I picked up on that associated certain things as ‘wrong.’
My recent experiences have been the opposite: supportive, accepting, encouraging. Or completely indifferent to my efforts to be authentic. People either do not care or they want to be involved in some way.
And thus, Pixen gets more daring when not met with resistance; more prodding, more encouraging, more winking from across the room.
(‘Hey, go talk to that person. ;)’ ‘You know you want to wear that today.’ ‘Share that idea with the group.’ ‘Open your heart a little more with them right now.’ ‘Bring that vision to life, take the first step.’)
And so Pixen is encouraging me to become more SHAMELESS IN BEING WHO I AM.
To be more courageous, to recognize the fear and move forward anyway, to be so connected to my heart that I don’t even worry about the fear of judgement of others; fear that has held me back from living fully and experiencing the beauty of life or getting to know other amazing souls that float around me every single day.
Pixen is my Pink Vixen, tempting me into a full-hearted life of playfulness, authenticity, expression, experience, and connection.
Pixen offers the question:
“What if we were a little more shameless in who we really are?”
Shameless in …
- whatever way cultivates courage to be authentic?
- helping others without the fear of judgement?
- being a loving light in the world?
- being a little more playful, silly – just having fun and,
- bringing more happiness to our lives?
And so Spixen dares me to …
- wear makeup, skirts, fishnets, and other non-traditional things (it’s interesting how the more I cater to Pixen’s suggestions, the faster I evolve in this area).
- be a community leader that creates experiential activities for people to grow or otherwise bring positivity to their experience while developing genuine connections and camaraderie.
- be a male that likes feminine things, BUT MORESO simply wants to find and embrace what feels authentic REGARDLESS of society’s gender association.
- connect more individually and communally.
- not box myself into labels (e.g., just a dancer, just a gamer, just a …) and to instead break out of the bounds of the norm. (such as being a dancer that also does XYZ, or a gamer that also does ABC.)
- Accept that I like [mutual] intimacy – and to ask for or initiate it; both on and off the dance floor.
- talk to attractive or intimidating people (Courage Crusade style).
- embrace ‘weird’ inspiration for living a deep, full-hearted life. (’The future is yours to write.’ – I get chills and massive inspiration anytime I watch this; among MANY other types of things that might seem like it would have no impact like that.)
When I’m in that state, where “Pink” flows outwards, I find that I am far more optimistic, more loving towards others, more AWARE and present, more courageous, more contributional, more honest/authentic, etc.
Although Pixen is selfish, she is also caring and giving, because she knows that when I am happy, living on the edge of my heart, experiencing, growing, and free of anxiety – that my natural inclination is to give unconditionally to others, build communities and connections, and contribute in different ways to better the world.
“Close your eyes, Love. Ignore their gaze and listen to your heart. You don’t need them to understand, so stop trying. Your soul is on a unique mission, just like theirs is. Let them come if they will, but otherwise do not shackle yourself to a world of what-ifs that does not yet exist. Stay committed to building the life you yearn for and in making the impact your heart desires. You are creating your life one experience at a time. And I implore you to wink tauntingly at your fears as you step towards them. There’s a fuller life on the other side of stepping into your truth. I know it, you know it, and your anxiety stems from knowing it and not doing it. So do it, Love. Shamelessly embrace all that you are – the world needs you.”
Love and Winks,
As I was writing this post, I felt like it was mostly ranting-and-raving, so I anticipate I need to push myself to create a follow-up based on my attempts to of ‘being shameless’ based on intuitions tha tsurfaced.
We’ll see! I know I have already moved forward in being ‘shameless in who I am,’ in being authentic compared to where I was at just a year ago, so it’s not all been without experience.
Thank you for supporting me in this journey. (: I hope you feel inclined to be more shameless in your own life, too, and I would love to chat if you have felt on the fence, afraid to embrace parts of yourself in your life. <3
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• Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash
• Karlie Kloss: Pinterest (Popsugar), Giphy
• Couple in Space: Pinterest
• Andrew Neel on Unsplash
• Pink Hair: Pinterest
• Eve Online: Gfycat
• Red Skirt: Pinterest
• Lindsey Stirling: Pinterest, Instagram
• Sunglasses Girl: Jayce Dirksen