Glimmering Butterfly Project – Day 15
It feels like weeks since I last wrote, since I last really “dove into my heart.” But it’s really only been a few days. I’ve been a butterfly doing caterpillar things, as Kyle would have said. I’ll be uploading some of my other writings from previous days, so posts from this project will be a little out of order at first.
I haven’t “written” a ton, but just enough to meet my “contract requirements.” Most of my meditations came much later in the day instead of as early as I could manage. I succumbed to more distractions, old habits, and limiting thoughts than I would have liked.
It’s been a big reminder of just how important it is to stay with the heart, because it has an incredibly quiet, soft, and patient voice and feeling.
The first few days of 2018 have been great, even if I wasn’t on top of my game (with the Glimmering Butterfly Project). New Years Eve was spent dancing and being around a great community of dancers. I first expected that the moment I would get home, I would end up staying up late doing miscellaneous things. But I went to bed as soon as I got home, when I took a moment to really consult what my body was thinking and feeling: which was tired. So I listened.
Monday, the same day technically, I woke up and had a chat with someone who commented on one of my final – and most vulnerable – posts of 2017. It was the first time I had ever really gotten to dig into one of my fears with another person. I think that mindset, the conversation we had, and the task she had given me had taken up my focus so much that I didn’t really do anything else for that day.
Tuesday was largely the same, not doing a whole lot, but I ended up finishing up the night with a great group of people, watching a couple parts of the Limitation Game. It was so great seeing a growth-oriented group like that being able to freely and openly discuss the topics that they had just watched/heard and how it related to them and their situations. After everyone had gone to bed, I ended up staying for a few more hours and just talked with and listened to one of my closest friends – it was really good to catch up and talk about a variety of different things.
Wednesday… I slept for about 18 hours when I got home from my friend’s, so not much happened that day.
So here we are today, Thursday. The 4th day of 2018 already. It doesn’t feel like I’ve “done” a lot yet, but that’s not to say that it wasn’t a good way to start.
Despite that, I noticed that over the past few days I felt guilt and regret starting to build up with each time I put off doing the meditation and Kylego in the morning. But now I’m remembering that that very mentality goes against what I set out to do with the project. The whole point of the project was to stay with and listen to the heart. To “embrace the flight” of a butterfly.
And did I stay with the heart as well as I could have those few days? Probably not. But the heart also doesn’t like to criticize and make you feel bad for what you did. It just wants to be in this moment, smile, and look towards the next step.
And I’m not going to continue fretting over those few days. That would be what I would do for weeks at a time before the project. But not this time! Whether or not I behaved that way isn’t even relevant anymore. All I want to focus on is today. What can I do today? What does the heart say today? Where am I going to go from today?
So today I’m realizing, I just need to stop, recollect, and reset. No shame in that. Yes, I still need to be wary of the distractions, habits, and limiting thoughts that are so ingrained that are trying to pull me away from my heart-set and the quiet voice of the heart.
But above all: back to the heart. Let’s start anew. Every moment is a chance to reset and begin anew.
So what’s next? What does today call for?
- More writing, catching up on those concepts and projects in my head that I wanted to get out – but didn’t. They’re still there, waiting to be let out. As well as new thoughts that keep coming through, now that I’ve taken a moment to recollect and recalibrate.
- Finishing out 2018 plans and getting it all organized for myself.
- Cleaning my physical space + making headway on my digital space.
- Starting a video project?
- Other little non-me projects I’ve been wanting to do and kept putting off.