To Commit to Yourself Is to Be Reborn [Magma: Part 2]

Aug 20, 2019

This is PART 2 of the Magma series.
<<< PART 1 [THE LIGHTHOUSE] <<< | >>> PART 3 (coming soon) >>>

At Magma we went through a rebirthing process. A letting go of the old and creating the new. That’s where my new identity came into play: the foundation of something new. For a few days after the event, I wanted the whole Magma experience to literally be my black-and-white shift, “THE moment” to be the turning-of-the-page to a new me, a new life.

… I’m getting better at recognizing that desire and realizing that that’s not usually how it works. It’s a gradual process, a layering atop past experiences. While we can let go of old ways and begin new habits, new ways of thinking, new commitments … it almost never is an overnight thing.

It’s actually as I’m writing this, right now (a week later), that I’m beginning anew.

My “rebirth” experience at Magma was very much a HUGE part of my self-confidence and insularity today. But it’s been through my conversation with Lauren over the past couple of days that I realized that I can recommit to myself – today. RIght now.

That has been the missing step – committing to MYSELF and not viewing that self-commitment through the lens of someone else. To commit to myself, period, instead of committing to myself “so that …” (insert person I want to please or get permission from.)

I often give so much to others in a way that I don’t give to myself. It’s taken a lot of encouragement over the past day (and again, layering over the past decade) to get to this state of acknowledging that I am just as worthy of commitment and resources and love.

Today I am beginning a new commitment to myself. Is there a chance I will have to recommit again in the future? Probably.

On Day 1 of my “commitment to myself,” the coffee house had a blackout – a test: will I stay committed to the writing of this series? – I stayed, I continued to write and the lights returned.

AGAIN, I have to remind myself: IT’S NOT BLACK AND WHITE, it’s not OVERNIGHT. Yes, there are singular moments that may create this cascade of change, but more often than not it’s gradual, it requires recommitting, it requires resets.

It doesn’t even matter if I completely fail, because I no longer need to worry about what you think about my “commitment” and whether or not I succeed or fail, because the entire game is personal and internal.

I share this only because it’s a form of accountability (especially to those that have encouraged this commitment to myself) and to emphasize this lesson from Magma.

Commit to yourself and take full responsibility.

Take full responsibility for yourself, your growth, your needs, your failings, your … you get the idea.

This was a theme that rung consistent throughout Magma. Anytime I failed to do something in line with myself or the event, I had the opportunity to do an integrity clearing, to stand up in front of everyone and say that “I am 100% responsible for … (being late) and I commit to … (being on time / getting ready earlier).”


Just acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, clear it, MOVE ON. I and you don’t need to hear my bullshit about why this or why that. (In other scenarios [of exploration], sure, by all means do that. But to CLEAR integrity, and MOVE ON, all of those excuses and “stories” are fluff and unnecessary. Say it, accept it, and move on. Immensely liberating process.)

This entire process of rebirth is creating this opportunity to reconnect with myself and commit to myself from this “lighthouse” or “black cave” state of being completely insular from the world, from your perceived judgements, from self-criticism … etc.

Intangibly, my goal is to step into my heart so that I may allow anxiousness and mental noise flitter away, creating a state of flow where I AM prioritizing myself and my life. Tangibly, my commitment/contract to myself is to …

  1. Wake up at 9:00 am AND be out of the house or started on work/growth by 9:30 am or 10:00 am. If I need to push it back (meditate, journaling, walk, etc.), then I push my schedule back 1 hour but still maintain the current iteration of my daily schedule via time blocks.
  2. 2 or 3 mono-tasking “time blocks” of at least 2 hour sprints (with 5-60 minute breaks between). Blocking out all distractions and focusing on a singular task/process/outcome for the duration of that time block or until its completion.
  3. Adjust as necessary.

And if I fuck up? Cool. Take responsibility, move on. Don’t let that weight stay there. Keep moving.

The temptation to over-systematize was strong, but keeping it simple is where I’m at right now (Top 10 Q’s # 6). These core components will help me to integrate an urgency to live fully in life. I do not need to be rigid-as-stone in these. Offer grace to myself, but be authentic and hold integrity at the same time.

When I was in Chicago, I had the bare essentials for sleeping/living, staying in a completely unfurnished and empty townhouse. No chairs, tables — nothing provided except what I brought with me. When I woke up, all I had to focus on was getting ready for Magma, attending Magma, coming home from Magma, and sleeping. Repeat.

I want to create a similar state of flow in my day. Focused flow, but with flexibility as an option. This new commitment is an opportunity to create a baseline that I can operate and adjust from.

Most importantly, this commitment is internal – it’s not about the literal “agreement” with myself. It’s about embodying a physical and mental state where I have prioritized myself and the growth in my own life, rather than letting it fly by passively, or giving my time endlessly to others. Taking responsibility for everything in my life.

We are reborn every time we choose to make that commitment towards ourselves, towards our truth, towards our future, whatever it is for you. It’s a process, not black and white, but it always begins with a single decision to recommit.

<<< PART 1 [THE LIGHTHOUSE] <<< | >>> PART 3 (coming soon) >>>