To Find Silence, Invite It In

Dec 27, 2017

Glimmering Butterfly Project – Day 06

Sitting here at 4:22 AM, even though I technically woke up around 28 hours ago.

Woke up on Tuesday, meandered about (somewhat productive), then did meditation and Kylego.

Around late morning, my dad and I went to go see the new Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

I forgot how much impact big screen movies can be for me. Each one, especially when I can let myself get immersed in the culture, the graphics, the fashion — everything — has a tendency to amp me up to want to “do more” with life. To take on bigger and more exciting things. (Maybe a post on this at a later date.)

I had a great time.

But as soon as I got home: I crashed.

It was around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, which has (ever since I watched the Limitation Game) been my “most natural bed time,” and waking up at around 11 PM or midnight. I feel more productive, focused, and calm at late hours or early morning.

I only took a brief nap instead of getting a full night of sleep as family was coming over later that night. It was good to see family, even though I didn’t talk to many people, and I lost out on a couple opportunities to talk about what’s been new in my life (dance, work, etc.).

At the tail end of the party, I got my laptop out and did some updates for other projects I was working on. I didn’t let myself feel guilty for it, and that was big for me.

As the party ended, old habits crept in as I returned to my room. I pivoted on a dime to go play a game with a friend (and I had a great time), but there was a part of me that wanted to keep working on “me,” my projects … following the heart in a different direction. I stayed up later than I meant to, but I’m finding my stride again.

As I’m writing this…

I’m sitting on the floor with my laptop. No games. No YouTube. No Netflix. Not even any music. The fan isn’t running. My main computer’s off.

Calm, silence, peace.

I’m in a sensation right now that just makes me feel calm and collected, and the “rushing thoughts” that my mind was in just moments ago … it got quiet.

I know that I use other websites and even music to distract myself, to “busy the mind,” but I don’t always catch it.

It happens and I notice it’s in those moments when I’m feeling “anxious,” the polar opposite of what I feel when I’m “in my heart.”

And although the “fuzzy” feeling I got when I watched LG isn’t here, the same calmness is present.

All because I turned everything off and stayed single-track focused. It becomes easier to follow the heart when I don’t have so much going on. And that isn’t to say that music is, every time, going to derail me or distract me. In fact, I would probably feel more comfortable now listening to music than I would have been 10 minutes ago when I was trying to “get myself to write this post.”

Those things (the distractions, the computer, the fan, the music) … they are poison, still. It’s not the first time I’ve talked about this. But they are poison if I don’t moderate and control myself around them.

So my intent moving forward is to stay off of them as much as possible except when I have a specific purpose to fulfill. My default should be all-devices-offline. My phone, computer, laptop, music, fan … all of it. None of it should be operating unless I have a specific thing I need to accomplish.

In other words, the only things that I should have running are things related to what the heart says is a next step, related to my Left Page, etc.

  • Working on the swing club.
  • Mapping out 2018.
  • Organizing my finances.
  • Minimizing and cleaning out “active” tabs, physical shelf space, and more that clog up my “mental RAM.”
  • Connection Cove.
  • Finishing website designs for others.
  • Writing for a client.
  • Meditating.
  • Reading.
  • Etc.!

And when I’m online, especially on the computer/laptop where it’s so easy to multi-task, my intent should be to stay as single-tracked focused as possible. Avoid a million tabs. In fact, the only tabs active should be the ones related to my #1 thing I’m working on right now. If I want to do something else, OneTab it and come back to it later.

My mind is always frantically trying to make sure there is “noise” going on, both in my physical environment as well as in my head. It’s a learning process trying to create a default state that is a lot more quiet, calm, and in control.

It’s from that place of quietness, calmness, and control that I actually make tangible headway on anything that’s important for me.

And if I want to find that quietness, I have to invite it into my life. I won’t ever find quietness by letting “loud” and “noisy” things persist in my environment and my life. Sometimes I have to step away from the things that I “enjoy” so that I can really re-connect and find that quietness.