Embracing the “Gray” of My Living Situation

Dec 9, 2020

I’ve been in a state of “survival” in my “dream apartment” situation since the moment I moved in.

I walked right into a situation I wasn’t “fully” ready for and I feel like I’ve been at war with my heart about the situation ever since. [There’s a growth lesson in all of this.]

I can barely think and plan outside of “today.”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve gotten a full, proper night’s rest (without having to leave the city for days or more) in over 44 days.

Since signing the lease I’ve been “taking it day by day,” I would tell people.

Because I don’t know if I’m going to stick it out.

Or try to find a way out.

[[ I haven’t been writing much about my experiences because I’m afraid it’ll hurt my chances to amend the situation or otherwise make things “worse” — but I also feel like it’s also detrimental to my emotional health not to process and make forward progression REGARDLESS of the situation I’m in.

I want to “fix” the situation, but I also do not want my situation(s) to prevent me from speaking authentically and documenting parts of my journey. ]]

I went in with big ambitions for myself, my “art,” the concept itself, and to invest into some of the others here —

Within days of signing, I stopped looking at my “HQ 3 intention document” that I crafted for MONTHS–

because I no longer feel connected to most of the intentions and visions I had.

I flip-flopped from being on “positive offense on life” to a “survival defensive stance to just get through the day.”

This experience has been a massive interrupt to the “norm” of what I’m used to.

My bandwidth became focused on finding “peace” in the situation – and left me with no energy left to focus on “tomorrow” and “the vision” of the space.

A tomorrow that could include…

  • Trying to connect with others
  • Figure out how to grow my art in this space
  • Actually work on dance, one of the big reasons for getting this space
  • Figure out long term plans to utilize resources here
  • Explore the area
  • Get out of my comfort zone

Lately all I’ve been able to focus on is trying to get SOME adequate sleep, keep myself moving forward as much as I can muster, connect with the people offering support, try to keep up with work/admin, learn to speak up, and try to adapt to the things I cannot control.

Like my last post on “hesitating less,” the goal right now is to expend less energy on the anxious, stagnant energy of the situation – and to move forward as much as I can without waiting for things to be perfect.

… by accepting that I have NO fucking clue if I will make it to the end of my lease – or try to back out and move on.

Understanding it can go EITHER way — and still making the intention to try and leverage this space for all that I can, in the time that I’m here.

Whether it’s for 30 more days … or 300.

This situation is far from BLACK AND WHITE.

It’s a real-time experience of living in the GREY.

With benefits and drawbacks to BOTH “staying” or “leaving.”

‘Staying’ –

Loving the …

• Independence

• Quiet (when it exists)

• Control to layout things in a way that serves me

• Safety of “home” to explore self-expression before bringing it to the world

• A space to be FULLY alone (where I often thrive the most)

• Danceable floors

But I DON’T love…

• Having to turn on my furnace fan, white noise conditioner, spotify white noise — just to tune out noises from around my unit [often random, and not really at fault to individuals versus the building itself]

• The discomfort of needing to be “assertive” in my situation to try and create some semblance of “peace” in my space

• Being afraid of maring the relationships here that I’m supposed to be cultivating and lifting up and contributing to

But those are also learning experiences, too — again, it’s the grey. It’s not a clear “drawback.”

It’s “good” that I’m being shoved into extremely frustrating situations (like sleeping on the floor next to my furnace so that I don’t hear my neighbors) where it pushes me past the breaking point so that I HAVE to speak up, or get creative to find solace for myself.

‘Leaving’ –

I would be giving up all of the above (independence, safety to explore self-expression, etc)

In exchange for…

• Calmer peace of mind

• More quickly finding the next “space” that aligns with my vision(s) and needs.

I was so enamored by the aesthetic, the vision of the space, the POSSIBILITIES for myself.

That I was willing to ignore my intuition that said “… something feels off.”

[ But who’s to say that BECAUSE OF the stress of the situation, this isn’t actually the BEST thing for me? ]

No one can tell me what’s best, because they’re not in my shoes, they don’t hear what it’s whispering in my heart.

Hell, I’m still trying to hear that voice AND pay attention to it.

It’s not clear to me yet and why I will continue to take it day by day –

And be ready at any moment to ‘flip the switch’ and begin the process to move on.

Until then I want to use what possibly-little time I have left here in the best way that I can.

Like a little ‘pop up gym’ for my soul:

Training my ability to vocalize, stand up for myself, and adapt to uncontrollable situations.

Or exercising my ability to make decisions without self-judgement about “giving up a dream” and moving on.

#BrickByBrick — Day 44

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