I recently wrote a post in a private Facebook group and I was feeling pulled to share it publicly. If only for the reason because some of the content was ‘fluffy’ and I’m still uncomfortable sharing those parts of me.
And when discomfort reveals itself and I can have the awareness to acknowledge it as such — it then becomes an indicator that it’s time to open up again.
Mood (on repeat): Selena Gomez – Back To You (Joey Pecoraro Remix/Audio)
I’m not sure where to start. It feels like a lot has changed in the past week – although things are, more or less, the same.
… On the surface.
But something is bubbling up.
Earlier this week I started doing the #100possibilities posts. I only made it through 2. I meant to go to 7. I may revisit.
Within hours of posting, things began to unfold in a positive way.
- Got to do a video chat with one of the EOLers I met in LA (and created a lot of energetic momentum in the following days). It rekindled a lot of my “heart based pursuits.”
- A potential roommate from earlier in the year reached out. Long story short: I’ll be moving out in a matter of weeks.
- Talked to a tree (yep) and found so much inner peace and clarity. (Kyle Cease assignment.)
- Extreme overwhelm/anger prompted me to a massive declutter of a particular section of my digital assets, which reduced a lot of “obligatory feelings.”
- Talked with another EOL friend, which prompted yet another video call.
- Got to chat with a family member — and although I don’t want to seek validation/approval from the outside, it was still good to get some encouragement on the direction I’m going and the possibilities ahead.
- Joined an online challenge which will take place in Mid-January.
- Minimalism continues to get more and more prominent. “Top Tier” things in life are revealing themselves.
Ever since that call with a friend, I’ve been bridling with energy.
I can’t really put it into words, but it’s “that feeling.” That “Heart state,” the state of flow, inner peace/confidence, chill-AF vibes, excitement — etc.
That feeling where I just want to love the shit out of everything. Where genuine ambition, self-acceptance, self-belief can be found.
That feeling which led me to Los Angeles.
To creating Heartbound.
To ‘coming out of the wardrobe.’
To sharing most of the shit that I post online.
To starting the Fort Wayne Westies.
To start WPG.
To do Connection Cove.
To start learning to dance.
I know this probably sounds a little like crazy talk(:
As I’m writing this, and as the picture for this post keeps gazing back at me — I remind myself that it doesn’t really matter whether or not I sound crazy, or whether or not others think I’m crazy.
What matters is that I accept what I experience — and if I’m going to share it, then I honestly speak my truth.
This sort of state, or feeling, comes and goes. I recognize that it probably always will, but I strive to make it more “on” than “off.”
I wish I could define it better. But it feels fuzzy and light — it’s essentially the deep feeling of “being in my heart,” and living with or operating from a place of immense love.
I genuinely feel like I’m on the verge of something new and great.
I can’t put it into words yet, it’s still just a feeling. A lot of what it’s telling me to do next is the same (but now also combined with way more self-confidence that I’ll be able to figure it out, make it work, and make it thrive).
And at the same time, I know that “that feeling” is calling me to (while amidst trying to connect with people) spend WAY MORE time disconnected from people.
Less social media and consumption.
Way more solo time. WAY more.
I hope to progressively articulate (in both words and actions) what that feeling is pushing me to do for myself in my life. For today, I can define it as:
(1) Moving out is now a much more tangible orientation now.
I’m genuinely excited to be able to curate my environment as in depth as possible to be most conducive for all my goals/endeavors as possible (i.e,. to be able to design and manipulate my environment to cultivate ‘that state,’ to keep my goals/etc front of mind always, etc).
The longer I go, the more prominent it gets. As attached as I am to some sentimental stuff still, I kind of just want to be able to fit everything I own to into just a couple boxes. Most of my “active pursuits” don’t require much.
(3) Dance and community development.
I can’t wait for others anymore. (I have not had expectations of others; simply my habitual behavior was to try and “rally people behind me” before I would do something for MYSELF first). My work ethic needs to improve, drastically. I have a lot of free time, I have no excuse for not working harder on any of my dance related pursuits.
Won’t be able to live on my own for long if I don’t get this aspect improved. I know what I need to do (or attempt), I’m just not doing it. With moving out, my Runway Theory – and the belief that I’ll grow much faster in less time – will truly be put to the test.
(5) (Private, group intention.)
(6) Radical Authenticity and Truth.
This is still a hard one for me; my chat with my EOL friend made me realize I have much improvement to make in the way I self-express and communicate with others (in that it was surprisingly effortless). Which means that I still care too much about what people think (or I subconsciously think I need them, and thus fear their opinion), since I am not able to discuss as openly with most people as I am the ‘few.’ Default behavior is not conducive for authentic, deep connection. I don’t yet live/operate and communicate with deep authenticity or authentic self-expression.
(7) i n s u l a r i t y
Living from a space where I don’t put others’ opinions or judgements of myself above my own of myself. Being okay with the possibility of nobody reading or caring about any of what I just wrote. Still moving forward based on what’s right for me, not based on what other people think.
A willingness to put up the blinders and stay in my lane. To not consume others’ content or “get answers” without first consulting myself. Learning to trust myself, that I can figure it out. And sticking to what I believe in without habitually re-orienting my communication simply because it doesn’t align with someone else.
(8) Golden Conviction.
I don’t know why, but the color gold keeps coming up when I think of this feeling, as if that’s what the color of this state is. — But moving forward with this ‘bridling energy,’ utilizing it in every possible way. Not slacking off. Not doing low vibrational things. Doing what’s empowering, energizing, and improving my life. Saying no to people that drain or don’t align. Making the effort to do those little and big things/experiences, connect with those people — move forward with this ‘love based state,’ and not try to quantify what things can be done from that space; there’s too many to count. Keep taking those Lefts/Leaps. But stay with it – and invite it in every day, every moment.
If that last call was any indicator for me, it’s that I’m both not doing enough to connect + there are a lot more opportunities out there than my fear wants to see. If I more effectively trim out all the shit from my life that keeps me in a low energetic state, I’ll not only have more time an space for heart-centered people, but I’ll actually be able to sustain and create that ‘Golden Conviction’ to get out of the house and connect with people. Those coffee dates. Cuddles. Mingling with strangers. Speaking my truth. Encouraging people. Giving my time to help. Etc.
(10) Fierce Concentration.
I think it’s this particular reason — this and insularity — that this image jumped out at me to use for this post. The piercing gaze peering through the golden light, to me, emphasizes how I need to operate in my life. With a fierce sense of concentration on what matters, on living from ‘this space,’ and of looking people – and my life – straight in the eye.
‘ I see you. ‘
… and the strength to not look away.
// Photo by Rhett Wesley on Unsplash